I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now. Neither am I the best with expressing myself with words. I used to like writing and found it as a means to express myself but as I grew older, it just seemed like I mess everything up and use words incorrectly and end up being misjudged. I know that many people have problems in this world and not everything revolves around one person… I just really need to get some feelings off my chest before I really go insane.
I’ve never really been the girl that people would look at twice and think “oh, she’s pretty”. Neither did I actually want to get noticed at all really. I never really just felt that special. That was until I met my fiance who I am now having second thoughts of. I know I can be a handful but he can never really wrap his fingers on how to calm me down whenever I let my insecurities take the best of me. I’m sure that many people would tell me “maybe you just need to fix your problems”. But that’s never been that easy. I’ve tried to forget about the anxiety and the insecurities I have felt for myself. I even started going to the gym to probably gain some self esteem. Now I just feel sick from the stress.
My dad then decided to do drugs again since he separated with my mom last year. I tried to help him by giving him food and even bought him cigarettes just as long as he would stop getting high on that shit. He lost a bunch of weight and he sold everything in his house - even the stuff that didnt belong to him. I never was really close with my dad. He was in and out of my life and I didn’t really feel comfortable talking to him or being around him at that. He had a lot of problems and took out his pain and emotions on his kids. My mum says that I would have to visit the shrink just to talk about him and help him get better with family sessions and I refuse to because I’m scared of what I might say. Maybe what I say won’t make him get any better.
I work at a job where I feel like I might not have one the next week and I feel like I’m not yet ready to see what else life has left to offer me anymore. No, I don’t think I would turn suicidal. I just feel very tired. Very confused and alone. No matter how hard I try to just push down these problems, I just can’t seem to just let it be and take it on face forward. I feel like I’m weak when I’m not meant to be…. I just don’t know anymore.
